The Disinherited Child

Oh facebook! This morning I got a message from a fellow Amanda Clarke who wished me happy St. Patty's and sent me some name info. Aside from learning that Clarke is the 32nd most common surname in Ireland, I also discovered that there are O'Clarkes oddly enough. Apparently the name comes from O'Cleireigh which translates into O'Cleary and was then anglicized to O'Clarke and Clarke. Thank you facebook namesharer!

so you know what is weirder than the musical episode of _Buffy_, the musical episode of _Buffy_in French. I will never turn to channel 47 again, well ok, I might, but it's going to take some time to get over the shock!

I think I need to stop hanging out in the lounge...first Michele Lamarche tried to con me into going to the Arts Ball and then Marley Davidson threatened bodily harm if I didn't invite everyone I know to the OAR release (she then violently threw a book onto the table so I think she was serious!). Apparently, she is going to check my facebook to make sure I've sent the invitations...so I hope she doesn't kill any of you if you don't show up! Good luck!

ok, so I sat down and tried to meditate (it never works for me because I can't clear my mind or sit still), but I really, really tried this time. I memorized all of the steps to the anxiety/anger cleansing meditation in the yoga book my bro gave me for xmas and made it all the way to the last step "give a voice to the emotion you are feeling", which resulted in me screaming and then crying. Not only do I not feel any calmer, I also feel like I am way more angry than I thought.

well, now that I have errr..."connected with my inner being" (my very angry inner being) I am off to get ready for xmas dinner #2.

Can't wait for the holidays to be over!!!!!

ok...so I skipped out of 18th-cen. lit early, but I have one whole, fully formed page of my seminar essay, 10 pages of meticulously arranged notes and quotations, and a vague outline floating around in my head...I think missing one hour of 18th-cen. is worth not completely falling part around 2am!

By 2am I hope to have half the paper done, then I'll sleep, then from 5am-10am I'll finish the rest of the paper, which will be edited on the weekend. From 10am tomorrow until 4pm I'll study 16th-cen., and then from 4pm until 2pm Thursday I'll study Greek civ. Following that exam I'll continue studying 16th-cen. and then I'll die on the floor of the lounge....

For some reason the library was totally full at 10am this morning...also someone followed me with a laser pointer...I was at a computer downstairs and then there was this red dot on the column in front of me so I turned around quickly only to see the arm of a white coat disappear near the elevator, so I kept searching and then it happened again...so I went upstairs, where it continued to happen and then I finally just left the library....

And...I'm not in a good spot on the To-Do list.

Monday: One essay 1/2 edited - wtf was I thinking?--update--Essay Done
Tuesday: Essay done
Wednesday: STUDY
Thursday: Greek Exam Readings--1/2 done
Friday: 16th Cen. Exam The Faerie Queen--done
Monday: Research Paper for seminar--research re-started (totally screwed) & Emergence of Imagination Exam (haven't re-read LOTR)
Tuesday: 18th Cen. Exam - haven't re-read anything!

I have created self-imposed deadlines for everything and I'm not allowed to eat or sleep until I have met them, hopefully this works!

Ewww...it's soooo gross outside. It took me an hour to get home and I am drenched and there are ice crystals in my hair...shiver. I just want tea, cookies, and cuddles but I have to write my stupid essay...grr....

7:13pm update---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't started the essay...I plan to get up early tomorrow to do it. It'll be ok, it'll be ok. Also, my mom called to tell me all about my chinese horoscope...I am apparently a "wood ox", which means I am "traditional, accommodating, ethical, fair-minded and motivated by honesty, but also stubborn and shy" and my most compatible mates are of the rabbit sign...that could explain why I love bunnies so much!

I have officially maxed out the number of books I am allowed from the library...it's going to a long week!

two more pages and I'm done essay 1/3...so excited, so excited!!!

Phase 2: demolition and massive reconstruction of essay...uhhh.

I feel like I have been awake forever and accomplished nothing...I even made a to-do list specifically for today, after I had completed everything, just so I could check things off, it's pathetic:

Read Man for All Seasons...check.
Laundry...check.
Groceries...check.
Cleaning...check.
Sort Winter/Summer clothes...check.
Re-organize closet...check.
Read Lord of the Flies...check.
Get xmas wish list from family/friends...half-check.
Re-read presentation materials for tomorrow...check.
Read Faerie Queen stuff...half-check.
Start 18th century Essay outline...errr...I read the topics....

It looks like an actual list, but that is only because I counted my distractions as "vital" parts of a to-do list...uhhh...I'm just lucky it doesn't say...have tea...check, read French smut...check, etc.

Sat. night:  it's cold and wet and gross outside, I just returned from my aunt's where I left my lil' brother.... My mom called to see what I was doing...my answer was: I had a martini, two glasses of wine and now I'm hanging some Degas in my hallway. As soon as I'm done this I'm going to have some cookies and read.... The excitement is almost unbearable!

does anyone know anything about this Ulysses based movie http://dvdtoile.com/Film.php?id=35878 ? And why isn't Stephen wearing the hat?

uhhh...grr...everything annoys me so much right now! I just want a day off, half a day off even, where I will be left alone with my book and thoughts.... I would also settle for sleeping in a little later than 5am....

ewww.... I thought with the moving I would eliminate some of my bug problems but apparently the bugs have followed me...only they have mutated. I was used to the ants and the spiders and the dust mites and the silver fish, the occasional centipede and once a catepillar just hanging out in my room at R's, but tonight in the shower at my aunt's I discovered some kind of weird bug I have never even seen before.... Long, black, kind of like a cricket but skinnier and its head seems to move independently from its body.... I'm grossed out it has been washed down the drain....

In other news I think I'm only a couple of thousand short to cover next year, still don't know where I'm going to live...hopefully not back at R.'s, waiting for Shawn to find out if he's going to Sudbury and I think I'm going to use my student loan to go to Europe next May...seriously. mmmmm...and most importantly I will definitely not be finished my Bau. translations by my expected deadline of uhhh...next week...I'm soooo behind.

I know it's hot but I so just want to snuggle and read _Cosmopolis_ so badly, if I could just find someone/thing that didn't think I was a member of the undead....

I think I'm finally starting to recover from my recent sleepiness.... I was soooo tired at the beginning of the week it was unbelievable.... I'm sorry for all the spelling/grammar mistakes in recent posts...I'm sure they're abundant.

Thanks for the wandering tonight guys, I needed that! I think the astrology section is growing on me!

I hope to get some translating time in soon...I miss Baudelaire soooo much!

uhhh...I just finished a 16 hour shift in hell.... *snuggles into pillow to prepare for yet another day...and hopefully a day off in the near future*

so this was odd:

On the way home tonight an older woman walking her three dogs came around a corner very quickly, glanced at me and began backing away like I was going to attack her. Then, from a distance of ten feet or so, after I had approached the street light, she said to the dogs "oh, it's ok it's just a girl."

I was waiting for the light to change when she approached very cautiously and said "I'm sorry, I've seen a lot of scary movies lately and you're so pale and your hair is so dark that I was sort of frightened for a minute...." Then she walked away....

I'm not even sure what to make of the encounter....

I was in the library yesterday sitting at a desk, seconds from tears when I looked up and saw "I love you, yes you!" scrawled on the wall in front of me...the experience was slightly short of life affirming. So for everyone else who needs to hear or read said message:

Je t'adore! *hugs*

so while Baudelaire makes me incredibly happy, I think I'm also starting to understand that it's probably not good reading material if you're prone to thinking everything sucks. Everytime I finish a poem now I think "why do I even bother getting up in the morning? The sheer joy I associate with toast and coffee?" and more importantly "How the hell am I still alive?" And then I start a new poem, there is a momentary glimpse of glee, and then "why do I even bother...".

Oh...if I haven't told you about Vampire Loves yet click here: http://www.lastgasp.com/d/28708/